I hesitated whether or not I should write this… I assume that after reading this some of you may see me in a different light. For those who see me post pictures/quotes on social media you might think, “Shit, I didn’t know this”, but me starting this blog is a journey of transparency and healing. Also if I can help someone along the way, then I know I’m living my purpose!
The past few days I have been having a weird out-of-body experience. I’m talking, ‘lack of sleep’, ‘constant nervousness’, ‘hands shaking’, as if I am having a recurring panic attack. I tried to keep busy, but on the night of the 27/4/2020 it had gotten so bad. I felt a knot in my stomach, my breathing was off and I couldn’t shake this feeling. I tried meditation that I found on youtube (didn’t help). I turned on the TV in an attempt of finding a distraction (didn’t help), this was like after midnight. I just couldn’t shake the feeling. I paced up and down the house, nothing was working. Eventually I put some music on, and managed to get an hour or so. This whole out-of-body experience went on throughout the night, I shouted, “Lord help me”. Hoping I didn’t wake up my children, before long I had drifted off again.
Then it was morning… The children were up and I had to switch into ‘mum mode’. Knots still in my stomach, hands shaking as I made a cup of tea, I knew I needed a different kind of help. I needed to speak to someone. I first rang my sister, no answer. I then rang my friend who I share over 20 years of friendship with, I knew she would keep it real with me. No bullshit. Plus she can always tell when something is off with me. It was 12:12pm when I rang and she answered. For anyone who follows ‘Angel Numbers’, please look up the meaning of 12:12 for more info.
This is the best thing I could have done, reaching out. Just her voice alone made me feel at home. We spoke for some time, and it took my mind off of how I was feeling. She gave me some great advice. So, as soon as I got off the phone I implemented what she had said. The feeling didn’t disappear right away however, I felt slightly calmer. But I needed to do something else. It’s as though now a different kind of spirit was trying to take over my mind… “They say the power of life and death is in the tongue” (If you know what that means). Once again I shouted, “Lord help me, I need you”. I find that putting some gospel music on helps to clear my mind. Anyone that knows me well, knows I love me some Tasha Cobbs Leonard. “Break every chain” came on. I turned it as high as the volume could go. I sang, I cried. I mean I cried so hard that I felt a release from my body.
Something shifted from my body. That knot in my stomach was slowly disappearing. I couldn’t stop crying and with the door closed, I didn’t realise how loud I was. They say “NEVER cry in front of your children”- but my daughter ran into the kitchen and saw me. She gave me the biggest hug, and then all of a sudden it came to me… “Your children need you”. Whatever is trying to control me, had no power over me unless I let it!
I am writing this as a way of letting go of FEAR and DOUBT! I want you all to know that it is okay to be vulnerable and uncomfortable. Don’t ever be afraid to reach out for support. There are people who love and care for YOU. Remember that if you don’t get them on the first call, try again or ring someone else. Everyone is battling with something whether they show it or not. If I didn’t reach out to my friend, I don’t know how I would be feeling right now. I’m still not sure what came over me, but I speak life, and I know that I will be fine. It’s apart of the journey of life and the transition of becoming…
“I have a purpose. You have a purpose”.