Sharing these intimate parts of my life it’s not to gain a ‘Pity Party’. In fact, it takes a strong person who is fed up of holding it all in to open up and show vulnerability. In order to heal from our past, we have to learn to let it go… Right?! Turning over a new chapter means you’re finished with the previous and now moving on to the next chapter. Here comes my next chapter!
I learnt a while back how rewarding it is to journal my thoughts, and by journaling it has helped me get to this point in my life. You see, I can be completely vulnerable on paper but I struggle to do the same when talking to people. My fear of being judged creates anxiety, and that can also come across as being defensive. For anyone struggling to open up, I recommend you try ‘journaling’. This helps to get those bottled up emotions out, and honestly who’s going to judge you? Certainly not the pen and paper. Lol!
What I have noticed with our generation, is that we tend to put on a front. We tend to paint a perfect picture of our lives in order to not show our vulnerability, especially where social media is concerned. But who are we doing it for?… I’m certainly guilty of doing that. But if I am truly honest with myself there are many aspects of my life that I wasn’t happy with, which I am working on now. (It’s never too late).
Let me share a personal experience with you… I’ve been with my son’s father for the last 5 years ‘on/off’. Our relationship was great, as they usually are in the beginning. Fast forward, I got pregnant! Shortly after I had given birth, our relationship broke down. This was due to the lies that eventually came to light. You know the saying, “What’s done in the dark, will sure come to light”. Lets just say it wasn’t a nice situation between us. But, I did what many of us strong women do… I stepped the fuck up and got on with it. With that being said, I was too embarrassed to tell my family and close friends what was really going on. So in their eyes, all was well. Yet, this was me in defence mode not willing to show my vulnerability, continuing to juggle life with my two children, work and so on. The struggle was REAL! To them, I have the support I needed. But in fact, no one knew he wasn’t around physically. Let me make this clear to you he only provides financially. I’m not bashing him, as he loves his son and his son loves him!
I tried to convince myself that this person who I have spent the last 5 years with (on/off) was worth all the emotional trauma that he has been projecting on to me. So I kept my emotions quiet, as I felt that I couldn’t share them with anybody. I thought eventually when things worked out (member I said on/off) I wouldn’t have to hear the “I told you so” from people. So, I continued making excuses for him as to why he couldn’t make it to yet another family gathering. (We used to have a lot of those). Me not being able to be open and honest to those around me started affecting me mentally. I’m not saying he drove me mad, but when you are trying to maintain a healthy home/relationship and a balance he continuously hurt me over and over again which played on my vulnerabilities. It then started to take its toll on me!
I felt as though I couldn’t go to anyone for advice or to just vent. I made it really hard on myself, I felt like I didn’t want to be a burden to anyone. It took some strength from me to finally open up, and when I did, I learnt that I wasn’t alone. You know when you are going through it, it feels like you are the only one with the problem! (Yet, when you speak to other people it makes you realise you’re not the only one). So, don’t make the filters others wear fool you!
Now, I’m not saying you need to tell every Tom, Dick and Harry your problems but find someone you know in your heart won’t judge you, keeps it real, but also gives you the space to make your own decisions regardless of the outcome. VULNERABILITY is a way of healing your hurt and pain. You will gain strength from it and you will grow from it!