Today, I will be diving into a subject that touched on my nerves just a tad. Some may be able to relate… A few nights ago I was talking to an old male friend of mine, (Covid-19 has everyone is reaching out). The conversation went like this. Lets just call him ‘Q’… He doesn’t read my blogs, but you never know! LOL.
Q: “So what’s been happening?” Me: “Just here, trying to keep sane you know how that goes”. Q: “So what, where’s your baby father?” I dismissed his comment as it was just random. He then went on to say… “Bare people are gonna be having quarantine babies.” Me: “LOL. Nah, not me. I’m just doing my thing.” Q: “So what, you two not together?” Me: (Pause) “Nah.” Q: “So what you saying?”… Long story short, I pretended to not hear what he was saying and had to switch up the conversation real fast. I will NOT entertain that nonsense. My ‘new’ chapter refuses to get caught up in that type of conversation. Like I said previously, if it’s not about growth…’mi nuh wah hear it!’
Word of advice ladies and gents – If someone from your past is reaching out to you in this pandemic, it’s either they are bored and trying to boost their ego or the devil has sent them lol.. Dead that conversation asap!
Shortly after, I sat in the bath and something ‘Q’ said popped into my head. Not him trying to make random conversation, but him asking about my ‘status’. Yes I am single… However, there has been times when I have gone back there with an ex. A woman has needs. (Don’t judge me. Like you haven’t done it!) – They say better the devil you know! SMH. It then had me questioning myself. “Why did I allow this situation with my ex to re-occur when I was not getting what I truly deserved from it?”. To be honest the only real answer I had was too painful to acknowledge. (Reality check). Was it that I didn’t love myself enough? Or perhaps I was so desperate for love that I allowed this cycle to continue after all these years. Then I asked myself… Do you have the confidence to put yourself out there again? As in to start over again. Now remember, I have two children so if I have to start over I’m talking about finding my husband, not ‘bae or potentials’. Lastly, I asked myself “Why does my physical desire take away my common sense?” That’s me putting it nicely. Alright, I really said to myself “You fool e, stop it.”
In the past, love has made me lose sight of my common sense or even knowing right from wrong. Also having an attachment to the ex was my other excuse, I knew I was putting up with less than I deserved. But in this day and age you can’t be out there with just anybody! Question readers… What is your expectations of love? Let me know in the comments box. My answer to this is, I don’t want to close myself off to love but I know I need to love myself first. I know I need to become love in order to receive it. I also need to be realistic in knowing that no one will love me the way I need, as everyone comes with flaws. I am guilty of going back and forth with the ex, as it was convenient but when I look at it deeper, I find I have been broken for so long that I didn’t understand the love I was receiving was based on physical attraction…
When I look into the various meanings of love, one thing that stood out for me was that men and women view love differently. Some men love the fact that the woman loves them deeply, so will keep her around hence the convenience. Some women think that if I’m convenient enough for him, then maybe he would want the relationship to progress. In a nutshell we can’t force someone to love us, nor should we feel the need to lower our standards in hopes of changing the other persons mind. It should be more than just a physical activity. Doing things for convenience is not going to get you what you want! When you are in love everything seems to go right. Or so you think. But why do we not feel complete? – We do not need to compromise ourselves for simple pleasures, romantic or other!
What I have noticed as well, is the word love is thrown around so easily. The true meaning of love is disappearing from our generation. That four letter word. L-O-V-E will have you lose your goddamn mind. I have done some stupid things just to hear someone say it. I am taking back the way I seek love and finding new meaning to attain love. I’m going to give some advice, which I will also be implementing myself. Do not allow people to have easy access to you – not physically, emotionally or spiritually. Don’t be afraid to seek a higher vibration of energy/intimacy. When two people connect on these levels, they won’t have to question motives or whether this is love or convenience. There are many expressions of love out there, be selective as to what you put up with.
Now I’m going to be so busy loving myself, so that when my husband is ready to find me I wont have to question if I’m doing things for convenience or love.
The above Image has been reposted from livingthewiselife.com
By Jared Chan
I am love
I am open to love
I will succeed in finding love
I deserve love
Signing out Melecia2020