As I reflect on my journey of growth and purpose, I know that I am getting closer to building the life I deserve. What I have come to realise is that me taking that leap of faith to move forward, meant I needed to take step back and look at the bigger picture in order to release any burden I had that may come back to torment my soul or weigh me down. I am also beginning to recognise why I had ‘self-imposed limitations’ and the reasons why I remain stuck in my current situation. Was it that “I am scared of changing my routine and fear rejection of not succeeding?”. This pattern I am acknowledging and I am learning to move past it. For me to recognise that, ‘I have been the one putting limits on myself and my achievements’. It gives me a sinking feeling in my stomach. When ever I have come close to achieving what I want there is usually a voice which tells me ‘I don’t deserve it’. This leads to me putting up a wall and losing my focus… Lets call it for what it is – self-sabotage. Let me refer to a personal situation. I started my role as a Nursery Teacher at my current setting around five years ago. When I started, we had these training sessions where we would meet with different colleagues from different settings within our childcare sector. Before I continue, let me point out that I have worked with children for more than 16 years and I would say that I am very good at what I do. (A bit of self-praise, why not?) So at this particular training day I walked in the room and looked around at each induvial, not in a judgemental way, more so to see the different levels/status’ and to also to see who I needed to impress.
The room was filled with people from deputy managers to mentors, nursery teachers (which I was then) and that one person who usually reports back to the CEO of our sector. Now I would consider myself to be fairly confident, but in this particular case I felt more intimidated. This was due to how the other spoke and dressed. I am more of a causal jeans and trainer girl and wanted to be comfortable for the day ahead. So with that feeling I was fairly quiet to begin with, I sat, listened and observed. I participated in the group activities with the others. During the break, the group began to chat about various things from holiday homes to home conversions… I began to think “Why have they put me in this particular training session?” – ‘I didn’t belong here’, as these people all appear to have their shit together. I felt as though I didn’t belong, and under-estimated my skills and knowledge. “I mean, what did a woman like me have to offer to this conversation?” (I am a single mum living in a rented flat, trying to make ends meet). What I did after the break and after I composed myself was let my ‘work knowledge’ and ‘common sense’ do the talking until we had finished. At the end of the session the person leading suggested I apply for the room leader position. (I guess he was impressed).
It took me some time before I did that. Every time I say “Okay, I am going to speak to the manager” etc… I then bottled it. I didn’t believe in myself enough to take on this role that I knew I would be great for. I thought to myself “Well, I have a content and secure position why change it?”. I knew fully well I am barely making ends meet and that this position comes with a little more money. ‘What did I have to lose?’ I said to myself… This voice that sometimes comes to me was saying, ‘You don’t deserve it’. As a child I don’t recall having any talks of encouragement or wisdom, so when something good starts to happen to me it seems too good to be true and then I begin to think what’s the catch. For these reasons I now have early age-appropriate conversations with my daughter to encourage her to find her purpose – check out my previous blog, “Reality Check” (Mum Life). With that being said I carried on. I would spend nights crying and praying, speaking out loud what I wanted. Now back then I didn’t know much about speaking to the universe and trusting the process. So what I did do was make wishes. “I wished I had the confidence to apply for that position”. “I wish I didn’t have to worry about money”. “I wished to move away from just being content“. “I wish to grow and create a life away from generational trauma“.
One day I woke up and said, “You know what I am going to speak to her” (the manager). I blocked out that voice and did what I had set out to do. Within a week I had an internal interview and received the position! With that new position came more responsibilities which I enjoyed, as prior I would make plans and write down all the things I would implement if I were to gain the position. I was happy I had the role I wanted and I was paying my bills on time… But something didn’t change, although I was making a little more money, bills were going up, I would put in overtime and with that I am paying more taxes. So I felt as though I was just working for nothing. A few years have passed since then and I remained content. Now, I am not looking to live my life with just being content. I am however not ungrateful, but I know that I am destined for more. So my journey of growth and purpose begins… So did that voice, it came back, however that voice does not realise I am no longer that scared little lady who gets intimidated by people and what they may bring to the table. I have my own skills, knowledge and common sense to learn and move beyond the limit I had previously set on myself.
I now focus on things I will change in my life, starting with killing that voice which causes me to self-sabotage. Journaling has been a massive step, as it helps to clear the mind of negative thoughts that has prevented me from growing and putting limits on myself. This could help you too!
I am saying ‘No’ to self-sabotage and ‘Yes’ to the pillar of Good Life, Health, Wealth, and Happiness. To never allow external forces to diminish my level of happiness, it is NOT real, but what is… Is how I respond emotionally!
I know what it feels like to be put down in every aspect of life, it left me feeling like I didn’t deserve anything good. “I will have progress in every area of my life. I refuse to be ordinary”.
My message to my readers is… Even if you don’t know how things are going to work out, start anyway – life is too short to not follow your purpose. Limits? Heck no… Keep growing and building one step at a time!
Message to myself… What are you waiting for girl, get your arse up and put in that work!
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